Let the rants begin. This is a long one!

Hello again! If you are just reading my blog, welcome. If you read the first post, welcome back!

Today's topic is dealing with relationships. I am talking about all kinds, not just romantic. Although I will be spending a lot of time on the romantic ones. I will begin by talking about my past. I got on this topic last night at work and it finally hit me why my mother didn't really trust my judgement when it came to boys.

I never really knew how a real and genuine relationship should look because I am from a broken home. My dad was physically and verbally abusive to my mother and sometimes to me. I have very vivid and unpleasant childhood memories of the two of them fighting always. But my brother bobby would shield me and hold me when I would cry. I was constantly put down by my dad as a child, which from that stemmed my self-image issues. And I was molested by a family friend as a child (wow first time I am admitting this loudly, kinda scary). I never told anyone (even still today no one in my family knows-hint hint for those of you that might know them...) he told me that I brought it on myself and I was just asking for it because I was so pretty. And from then on I didn't want to be looked at or viewed as pretty. So I ate, unhealthy and developed unhealthy eating habits. But as I grew older I wanted attention again so I tried to make myself appealing to boys, and it didn't really work out well for me.

At a very young age I began early crushes. I saw boys on tv (Zach Morris from Saved by the Bell was my first pick). And I saw singers (Billy Ray Cyrus was it for me!). I also developed crushes on boys in elementary school, as early as kindergarten. To me, boys never had cooties. So my mother knew early on that I would be quite a handful. It was not until I reached preteen/early teens that my mother really began to worry. I would go to the local hang out (funquest) and flirt with many guys, but one in particular caught my eye. His name is Scott. And he was a couple of years older than me. And when you are that age, older boys are very appealing. To make this short, we developed a relationship, and he wasn't really the type of guy a girl should be with. But I kept it up with him. Buuuuttttt......then he went to juvenile jail aaannnddd I decided to write him letters. My mother was not happy, but I told her I was trying to win him to Jesus, which I was but I still had feelings for this guy. And when he got out, I thought we'd try to be together, but I had already moved on to my next bad boy. And he ended up getting 2 girls pregnant and married one then divorced her. I dodged a bullet with that guy. The next bad boy I also met at funquest. I was friends with his sister. And to keep this short, he ended up in jail pulling 10 years and I do stay in contact with him because he is from a family that does not care about him and it breaks my heart. He has no one to encourage him so I am writing him and through the last 5 years, he has gotten saved and is attending the church there in the jail. I am just praying that it sticks. He needs your prayers. His name is Todd. Fast forward to college, not because I want to, but I had no boyfriend all through high school. But this guy I met in college gets his own paragraph.

Jared is his name. He was it for me. He wanted to be a youth pastor and loved the Lord. I thought I had found the guy I was gonna be with for the rest of my life. He was an athlete at LU and I thought it was great. He and I started off as friends and began dating November 19 of my sophomore year in college. I fell in love with him. And it was an unhealthy relationship. We broke up and got back together so much. The first time, I was a mess. I look back and do not even recognize that girl. She stood in front of him and practically begged him not to leave her, and I don't do things like that. I wanted to be with him all the time. And I didn't know how to do relationships b/c I am from a broken home and had never really "dated" anyone. But after our fight, we kept our distance, but ended up back together. This happened 2 more times. But I will admit, I was not an easy person to be in a relationship with. I was moody and over barring. I didn't trust him. And I was always asking questions, accusatory questions. And as a psych major I didn't see anything wrong with what I was doing. I was in denial. Jared and I started out as a great couple. As most couples do, but as time went on, our true colors began to show and he was not the man I thought he was. He was not the leader I needed him to be. He was just a boy trying to re-live his high school years. This kid only had a job for the summer, and relied on his mom to pay for things. And if we went on a "date" we paid separate. Looking back I am angry with myself for not seeing that he was definitely not God's best for me. But I was blinded by my feelings for him. And the day it all changed was a day we were in a fight up at LU. It was nearing the end of the semester and during the argument he was trying to walk away, and I wanted to keep talking about it and he pushed me out of the way. At that moment, I was DONE!! I was hurt, mad, relieved, and a variety of other emotions. He knew that I had been beat as a child and had been through a lot as a young girl and he still put his hands on me. I couldn't believe it. During all of this Jared deleted me and blocked me from Facebook. Yeah...he sure showed me!! I was with Jared almost 2 years. Those are 2 years I will never get back, but I learned so much about myself. But I have never been happier now with the man that I know is God's best for me.

I have known Ray basically my whole life. We grew up in the same church. And went to the same middle school, but lost touch when I went to LCA and he went to heritage. But when I started working for my current employer, he worked there too, and we began chatting and I knew I liked him and he was so cute, but I was with Jared. But when Jared and I broke up Ray gave me a few months and then hit me up on Facebook asking to hang out, and I thought "why not" so we went to a movie, and the rest is history. He is more than I could have ever asked for. He loves me so much and would do anything for me, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. We have been together a year and 7 months. And I love him with all my heart. He is a good MAN!! I say man, because he is a MAN. Jared was and still is a boy. And I do not have time to babysit.

I say all of this to say, when I give advice on relationships its because I kinda know what I am talking about. Not only do I have experience, but being a psych major, gives me an upper hand. You must grow as individuals before two people can come together. Two people that are broken cannot fix each other. I am so tired of two broken people getting together nowadays and it not working and then wondering why it didn't work. We should all strive for healthy relationships and that takes communication and having an open mind. If you want someone to be honest with you and call you out when you are making a bad decision then do not get mad at them for expressing their opinion and not moving from it. This could be spoken true of all types of relationships.

I have a great relationship with my mother and brother. They are my world (besides Ray). But my mom and I did not always get along. But thats true of any person who experienced those dreadfully awkward preteen/teenage years. I was hateful, disrespectful, and gave lots of attitude. But I am a ginger and we are known for our tempers. And boy do I still have one... It is not something I am proud of, but it's true. But since I am aware of it, I try to keep it under control. As I have grown older I have matured and my relationship with my mom has grown and she is my best friend. My brother and I, on the other hand, have never had an issue. We always got along and played well together. Even though the playing was with video games, action figures, and reading comics. That would be why I am a freak about The Avengers and Batman...Thanks Bobby.

I am so sorry this ended up being so long, but this is very therapeutic for me and I hope you enjoyed learning just a little bit more about me. Stay tuned for the topic of tomorrow's blog...which is still yet to be determined. Thanks again. Keep on viewing. :-) God bless! You've been gingersnapped!